Hi,

I’m sitting on my bed, cocooned by my comforter, a hot cup of fresh coffee by my side, thinking, ‘Is it February already’?

Like a lot of you, I’m running a month behind, but I’m excited to catch up.

First, let me just put it out there that the last couple of months have been quite rough for me. I’m not really going to go into the details but let’s just say that at certain spells more than others, I might have been teetering on the narrow wall that separates sadness and depression. It took me a while, but I eventually decided that I was going to just take a break and go home. (I am doing my masters in the US, so going home means booking a flight ticket worth a 1000 dollars. Side note: Thank you Amex.)

Oddly, going home didn’t help. Chennai to me is love. Anybody that knows me on a personal level can attest to that. I’ve lived there all my life (22 years now) and I just have a deep connect with the city and its people. So, you can imagine my surprise when I stepped out of the airplane not feeling any different. I strode out of the airport, cherished the sticky climate for a little while and looked around to spot my dear family. The excitement on their faces was palpable. After the ginormous amount of hugs and kisses were exchanged, we stepped into the cab to get home.

There I was sitting in the car, looking out the window, trying to reach for the tangible familiarity the city had always provided me with. But, nothing. I think that was the point when I realized, or rather, acknowledged that this was more than just feeling homesick.

I was capable of feeling lonely with a thousand people around me. I was capable of being blank and empty. If you have felt it, you know it’s a scary feeling. If you haven’t, trust me, its daunting.  Anyhow, let’s move on. This isn’t a letter where I slog on about my blues and address how I dealt with my grief. Honestly, one of the main reasons I’m writing this is to feel freed. I don’t know how many of you will understand or relate when you read this. I honestly don’t know how many of you will even read. Well, the thing is, I haven’t shared anything that I’ve written for a long time now, because I feel the need to be perfect, to be able to amaze my readers. But I woke up today morning and realized, that it wasn’t about simply being able to impress. It’s about expressing without filter. It’s liberating to put your thoughts down on paper. And it’s satiating, once you’re done. So I just decided, and I am proud of myself for this, that I’ll write. Write about stuff that interests me, write about my views, ideas, sentiments, experience, just type. Type without expecting a certain type of reaction.

Yesterday, after staying at home for about three weeks, I had come back to buffalo, and was immediately hit by the buzz of people at the university and by the sheer amount of work that I had to get done. In a way, after a month of inactivity, it helped to embrace that pressure. Over the last couple of years, I have let too many people have an opinion in what I do and the person that I am. And worse, I wouldn’t just hear what they had to say, but I also let it affect me. Let it skew the vision that I had of myself, of the person that I knew I was. And something that I have learned recently is to be proud of the person I am no matter what, to welcome my insecurities as a part of me and grow beyond.

I’ve had a pretty hectic day today, and I had work in the evening. I work part-time with Campus-Dining. The minute I clocked in, I met my friend, Anna. She gave me a tight hug and let me know how much she had missed me over winter. She also was excited that I’ll be working with her for another entire semester. To her, it was probably a simple, instinctive gesture. But to me, after days of feeling insignificant and gloomy, it was that shot of whisky that tips you over from the state of sobriety to being blissfully inebriated. And, despite being jet-lagged and tired, I remained good-spirited for the rest of my 6-hour shift. Moreover, yesterday after I had reached home, my roommates were joyed to see me and quickly filled me in with all the details of the past couple of weeks of their lives that I had missed. One on my best friends called to talk about something significant and wanted my judgment on how it should be dealt with. All this abetted me in opening my eyes wide open to the great life that I have now. What am I doing cribbing about what was? Isn’t change inevitable? Shouldn’t I be able to accept it as it comes?

Anyway, some of the things that 2019 can expect from me –

I am going to be confident in my own damn shoes (the shoes that I bought in the first place because they fit perfectly) instead of trying to slip into somebody else’s. I will be my own Cinderella and I am going to own it.

I have opinions, opinions that might not necessarily be about the betterment of the society and welfare of the universe, but opinions nevertheless and I am not shying away from any of it.

I am going to try to break away from the stereotypes that I have created for myself and be open to whatever comes my way. Essentially, test it before I judge it.

Love,

Illakiya

P.S – I am also going to be more regular about hitting the gym, because the high I feel after finishing a tiring session doesn’t equal much else.